Spreadsheet Prophet

The C.I.O. wants Oracle
The C.F.O. wants less
The Head of Operations says
We’re different from the rest
The vendor brings a slidedeck
With castles in the sky
And the C.E.O. loves the plan
‘Til somebody asks “Why?”

So I open up the workbook
That nobody has read
And follow all the spending trails
The living and the dead

I’m the spreadsheet prophet
Standing at the gate
Trying to stop tomorrow’s problem
Before it gets too late
Everybody wants the savings
Nobody wants the pain
And somehow when it all goes wrong
They call my name again

I’ve seen six transformations
And four strategic resets
Three reorganisations
And objectives no one gets
The suppliers change their logos
The consultants change their slides
But renewal dates and bad decisions
Always seem to survive

I’m the spreadsheet prophet
Walking through the storm
Watching next year’s “exception”
Become that year’s charter form
Everybody wants innovation
And resilience for free
But quality, speed and lower cost
Get missed out from what they see

The CISO wants to lock it down
The business wants to fly
Finance has no budget
And Legal wants to cry
They all want a quick decision
With someone else’s risk
And any options that could save them
Somehow vanish from the list

The project board wants certainty
The vendor wants to close ~
The sponsor wants a quick result
Before the quarter goes

Spend isn’t value
And cost isn’t spend
A discount isn’t saving
If you’re buying it again
Contract isn’t governance
A dashboard isn’t fact
Every strategic partnership
Starts with a salesman’s bonus

I’m the spreadsheet prophet
Worried about trust
Just the bloke who points politely
At the future cost
I don’t own requirements
I don’t choose the way
But I’ll still get asked at quarter end
“Why did we overspend this year?”

So send me the latest extract,
And the contract if it’s there,
I’ll find the missing baseline
Somewhere underneath the chair

(c) Jon Wensley