Verse 1
I called them up at eight o’clock
With coffee in my hand
I only want to pay some tax
It shouldn’t need a plan
They said, “Your call is important”
Which sounded rather nice
Then played that bloody music
For the hundredth thousandth time
Pre-Chorus
I’ve got my number ready
I’ve got my figures straight
I want to support the NHS
And I’m just waiting for the State
Chorus
So please let me pay my VAT
I never thought I’d say
I’m begging HM Revenue
To take my cash away
I don’t want an exemption
I’m not trying to evade
I just need one human being
To tell me how it’s paid
Verse 2
“Did you know,” the voice informed me,
“You can find most things online?”
Yes, I know, I’ve just looked there
That is why I’m on the line
“Please listen to these options”
So I listened, one through nine
Then pressed the one for VAT
And went back to the start again
Chorus
So please let me pay my VAT
I’m trying to comply
I never thought that paying tax
Would make a grown man cry
I’ve got invoices and spreadsheets
Every decimal displayed
I want to write a cheque right now
WHY WON’T YOU LET ME PAY?
Bridge
There was a time I feared the taxman
Coming knocking at my door
Now I’d make him tea and biscuits
If he’d only he’s go and call
I’d welcome an investigation
I’d put bunting in the street
Just give me someone from the VAT team
Who can talk to me
Verse
An hour passed, I heard a click
My heart began to soar
At last, a living person!
Then the line went dead once more
Chorus
Oh please let me pay my VAT
Take anything you need
I’m possibly the only man
Who’s begging you to debit me
No offshore bank in Panama
No clever tax crusade
I’m sitting here in Guildford
TRYING TO GET THE BLOODY THING PAID